Old Man Yells at Sky: Chaos in a Coffeeshop Edition

Middle of the week can just screw off entirely. You know you’ve still got two more days of the week and no amount of “hump day” jokes helps. Instead, it’s the grim realization that you will do this the rest of your life till you’re dead. Unless you’re rich I guess, but you aren’t reading this column if you’re rich. Eh, whatever, here’s the list of this week’s complaints. - Dan

1. Reading United did the right thing. Maybe? - So if you haven’t seen it yet, Reading United backed out of the Open Cup because they, like many clubs, count on college players to staff their amateur side. With the shift in schedule that USOC put in place last week, the first round kicks off in March, which is in the middle of the college season. That eliminates the U23 player pool and wrecks the chances of any club that counts on college players. As Reading put it in their statement: “This abhorrent scheduling decision forces the top USL League Two and NPSL teams, who afford an Open Cup playing opportunity to NCAA and U23 players in the USA, to completely modify how they structure a team, or worse, forces them to relinquish their deserved spot to a lower ranked team. The lack of consideration for such a large player pool is astonishing. We are very concerned this is another example of the public perception of the “tone deafness” that exists within US Soccer. We truly do not understand why US Soccer would essentially eliminate the playing opportunity for what is truly the best soccer player pool, outside of the professional ranks, in the United States.” Yowza.

   In the last episode of the Lower League Soccer Show, Dominic Bisogno and myself discussed this potential issue. It’s an issue. A serious issue and bravo to Reading United (part of the USL system, you fucking grumps) for standing up to US Soccer and stating exactly what the issue is and telling the Federation what’s up.
   
   But can I offer a slight critique of this? If clubs want to participate in the Open Cup, maybe they should expand their rosters and look for other talent. Certainly smaller-market clubs would struggle to do this, but most larger cities have soccer talent lying untapped because college players are holding on to roster spots on amateur sides. One sticking point might be roster rules of the Cup, but I don’t know those offhand. For sure dealing with the situation sucks (and you would hope US Soccer would be aware of these issues and CARE), but are there workarounds? I think so for SOME clubs.

2. Cold weather, where do you stand? - I like cold weather for the most part, but where I live (El Paso) the goddamn temperature goes from cold enough for a jacket, low to mid 40s in the morning to close to 65 in the afternoon. So this morning, I get up and prepare to walk to my car around 530a and the temperature is in the high 30s, but my jacket is in my car. So I have to walk my freezing ass out to the car to put on my cold ass jacket and wait for the heater to catch up. Just make up your mind already, weather.

   I have achieved peak old man grumpiness.

3. Same jacket syndrome - Yesterday I was at work and I looked across the counter and a lady in the line was wearing the same jacket. I know you’re imagining some pink glitter jacket, but nah, I wear a light adidas zip up when I work and she had the same jacket on. That made me think, when we buy stuff in a clothing store, there’s 30 of the same items on the rack, why don’t we see people wearing the same item more often? You’d think it would happen more often than it does, especially in small towns with one or two clothing stores. Just as I said that, this old guy walks into this coffee shop wearing what is easily the craziest patterned shirt I have EVER seen. So maybe no one could match up with that guy.

4. The UPSL should have one champion per year - I spotted this “discussion” on twitter. A small regional club was blowing up the UPSL on twitter for having two champions. While there were plenty of gifs being used (mostly by UPSL Communications guy, D. Pope), the heart of the argument is pretty solid. Two champions is a weird thing. We don’t have two presidents, it would be chaos. Honestly, this same argument is why I’m very opposed to the weird scheduling the NPSL is discussing with the wonky long schedule/short schedule overlap. Who’s the champion? Doesn’t it water down whoever wins? One champion, it makes sense. I doubt UPSL will change because money.

5. Don’t put your feet up in a chair unless that space is yours - Is there anything worse than the guy who puts his feet up in a public space? Maybe, but not at the moment. Are you the king? Don’t act like a jerk. It’s so pretentious. One exception, your foot is in a cast. I’ll allow it.

6. We fail the mentally ill in this country - I understand that mentally ill people are difficult to deal with, especially in public spaces. And not all companies are nice about it, oftentimes pushing out the perceived “crazy” types as soon as they disrupt the shopping public. But man, it sucks. Most of these people are out of their minds, need medication, therapy, professional treatment and there is nowhere for them to go. Cops either arrest them or push them out the door, but what kind of solution is that? There are some serious problems in this country and no one with power seems to care.

7. If you aren’t paying attention to Maryland Majors, it’s time to - We’re living in a golden age of great regional/state leagues. Bay State is a heck of a league. Casa in Philly is moving into that top tier. Buffalo and District is one of the best for smack talk. Honestly, there’s a bunch of fantastic leagues, but MMSL has some of the best small clubs in the game right now. Everyone knows Christos, but Steel Pulse is just as talented and definitely worth following. Top to bottom, the first division of MMSL is fun to watch. And speaking of following, Motorik in the second division is one of the must-follows for lower league twitter. Kenneth always has something interesting to say. I’m just saying regional soccer leagues are completely worth following, regardless of where you live in the country.

8. Recruit a college kid, why don’t ya - With social media becoming so vital to grassroots soccer, I can’t understand why more clubs don’t venture into their local universities and community colleges and check out the communications department, post an ad for an intern position, and give a kid a chance to grow their social media presence. Kids are steeped in that stuff anyway, you could work with them to create a marketing strategy and they would get a ton of real-world experience growing your brand, it’s a win win. Some people need to think outside their current box.

9. Everyone still locked in on Disney+ - Such a great service. Kid is constantly entertained. And I won’t lie, I have grown to love some movies that came out after I stopped watching kid movies. Please don’t hit me with “Disney is part of an evil plan to make culture shitty…” They are all doing it, so if you don’t like it, throw your tv, smart phone, tablet, and laptop out the window. Honestly, you should be a bigger influencer for your kids than the movies they watch. Pro tip: Moana is an awesome movie. Seriously.

10. Soundtrack? - I think I’m going to start adding in a song for each of these columns. That way I can improve your listening habits. My little way to brighten or darken your day.

    So today, let’s start with one of my favorite bands all-time, Pedro the Lion. Yeah, their heyday was 20 years ago, but so was mine. They got back together and put out a great album last year. This song is from that album, enjoy.

    By the way, I’ve met David Bazan, the lead singer, a couple of times, he’s wonderful. One of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. Nuff said.

Old Man Yells at Sky: They're Fucking With You Edition

This week we’ve got a great submission from a reader, which hopefully will increase as we go along, but don’t worry, I’ll find plenty more things to complain about. If you decide you like what you read and want to supply a subject, shoot me an email at oldpeopleoftheworldunite@gmail.com. I’ll try and insert it into next week’s conversation. So let’s get to it.

1. Baristas can’t spell apparently. Or so it would seem. This topic was supplied by Mr. Bugeater himself, Jonathan Collura. For those that don’t know, my day job isn’t running a soccer website dedicated to the lower leagues. Not that I would say no if someone wants to take over my mortgage, but for now I’ve got another gig that pays the bills. I work for the largest coffee-based company in the world, the notorious burner of beans (some say, anyway), Starbucks. I’ve worked for the company for almost 10 years and am currently a store manager. Somehow I managed to get into that position without once ever writing PIG on a cup, go figure. So this subject is near and dear to my day to day.

   Regardless of my position with the company, I have, without a doubt, misspelled a name or six during a shift on front register. A lot of people get pretty feisty about that, which I’m sure is what Jonathan is referring to. So let me speak from experience on this one. Names get misspelled for several reasons. 1. Parents are too creative - I know we all want our kids to be the special snowflakes they are, but butchering a name up to get that point across only guarantees some poor barista will misspell the hell out of it. When someone asks for a name and they say “Daisy” that’s what we spell, not “D’aysee” or “Daesea.” If that angers you, talk to your parents. Maybe they should have thought about that when they named you. 2. Sometimes customers mumble. - The reason your name is put on a cup is because we want you to get your drink, not someone else’s. This is especially true during the morning when there’s a drink coming out every 30 seconds. So while you are checking email on your phone and we ask for your name, take a second and speak it clearly. It’s for the good of both of us. 3. Fat fingers. - Ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets super fat and can’t dial his phone? Touchscreens at the POS are generally not the best ways to quickly and efficiently type a name. So sometimes a misspelling is just because my fat fingers mashed one letter instead of another and I was in too much of a hurry to notice or edit. 4. We’re fucking with you. - Sometimes it’s fun to embody a stereotype. So if someone says Pete, we spell it Peet or Peat or Petey. Work gets monotonous for us too, we’re trying to liven it up. Bear with us.

   So I hope that answered your question, Jonathan, the reality is complicated, but, in the end, we could just be fucking with you.

2. Impeachment doesn’t work when one side isn’t taking it seriously. Regardless of which side of the political spectrum you are on (and I have to guess I don’t have too many Trump readers, but I’m sure there are some conservatives out there), the impeachment proceedings should be seen for the historic proceedings they are. Watching the Republicans act like clowns in the hearings is depressing and should embarrass their voters. Disagree, make an argument, look for facts that back your boy, but don’t grandstand and act like babies, you’re elected representatives! Why wouldn’t your voters want you to be adults? Honestly, it just sucks.

3. The FC Arizona badge is trash. I know we get snobby in the Protagonist offices about new badges if we think they suck, but the new FC Arizona attempt is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. As I joked on twitter, it’s literally the create-a-club generic crest you used to see in FIFA ten years ago. I don’t understand who signed off on it, did they leave their glasses at home? Have they never seen a good soccer club crest? Was it designed by one of their children? Actually, there’s no way that’s true, kids are more creative than this.

4. Can I add my name to the “send celebrities kits” for exposure list? Mentioned this last week and suddenly we’ve got Men in Blazers rocking Chatta and Roots kits. I’ll say it again, it’s a good approach to marketing and is so much cheaper than spending money on actual ads, which are expensive to design, produce, and then get into the public airwaves. Instead, Rog throws on a kit and waves at the screen and voila! people who wouldn’t normally be exposed to NISA know who you are and maybe drop a buck or two on your merch. Certainly seemed to work for Chatta, who mentioned they were busy shipping kits after the on-air showing. Nothing to complain about on this one, other than I want swag for recommendations. Good job, peeps!

5. Music with words is impossible to write to. Even if my kid is watching some Disney movie and Moana is singing about loving the ocean or something, that crap feeds directly into my brain and makes putting a sentence into the site nearly impossible. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I’ve always been that way. Even in college I couldn’t write for shit if someone was singing words. I fight it with several types of music. Classical - the original music without words. Foreign music - mostly Sigur Ros, who sing in Icelandic for the majority of their albums. Ambient Rock Music - Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, This will Destroy You. No words or words I can’t understand, that’s the rule.

   Anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it?

6. Toddler cartoons are nonsensical. I’m not saying that every bit of the show has to make 100% sense, but all universes have to have rules to exist, even if they exist for the entertainment of children. Here’s my prime example, my pet peeve, which thankfully my daughter has outgrown:

   Blaze and the Monster Machines

   If you’ve never seen or heard of the show, thank your lucky stars, it’s hot trash. Blaze is a monster truck who lives in a world populated by other monster trucks. Every living creature is a monster truck, including animals, except for two humans - Blaze’s driver and a mechanic. How this world has come to exist, we have no answers. Was there an apocalypse which removed all human beings? Did the monster trucks become sentient and murder all the humans but two remaining tokens? Is it all a dream? We don’t know.

   But AJ, Blaze’s driver, drives Blaze, even though Blaze is perfectly capable of driving himself. All the other trucks operate themselves, so why is AJ driving Blaze? There’s no answer provided. The mechanic makes sense (as she has a useful role in this monster truck based reality), but is she the mechanic for every living monster truck? Literally millions of monster trucks lined up for days to get tuned up? It just doesn't make logical sense.

   I’ll accept your monster truck world, but eliminate the two humans and move on. It’s the only right thing to do, Blaze.

   One last Blaze comment. When Blaze is getting ready to do a big jump or surge to win a race he yells “Let’s Blaze!” Sure, Blaze, let’s all blaze, then your show will make sense.

7. US Soccer is hemorrhaging money and talent. We all remember the 100 million surplus that was being shouted about a couple years ago. Turns out we’ve got a lot less of that money now, especially when 9 million was spent defending the federation in law suits, several of which were brought by players underserved by the federation. To make the situation even worse, youth coaches are bolting and the CEO position remains unfilled. It’s bad enough even non-sports outlets are writing about it. I don’t know how it changes, but it feels like the whole ship is being run by idiots and assholes, all convinced they know better than everyone else. That’s not a recipe for change, and world cup qualifiers are just around the corner for the USMNT. Thankfully the women have less to worry about because they’re so ridiculously good. But the real disaster brewing is in the youth ranks. We could lose a generation of talent thanks to the god-awful leadership of the federation and that is not quickly fixed. This whole thing depresses the hell out of me.

8. UPSL’s shoe sponsor deal is a mismatch. You run a league who promotes the idea of stripped down operations, quick and easy, if you don’t want to invest a fortune you don’t have to. In fact, the UPSL has crowed about their lower cost of club operation and league fees. So why the hell do you add “Unozero as the Official Premier Boot Provider of the UPSL” when they sell two types of soccer cleat (white or black) at a base price in the range of $250? Granted they are premium hand-made leather cleats, but how does that fit into the brand identity of the league? To be fair, the league announcement did mention a club discount, but I’m doubtful that discount is 75% off. Wouldn’t the UPSL have been smarter to find a shoe manufacturer who specializes in cheap and affordable cleats, rather than an expensive, hand-crafted shoe?

9. The USL is just as shitty as MLS, but with different bad guys. Or that’s the impression I got from that SocTakes article that dropped yesterday. Nipun Chopra got access to a bunch of USL financials and it shows a large portion of the revenue is being siphoned off by NuRock (terrible name, Jesus) which owns the USL brand. Interestingly, almost all of that revenue is coming from franchise and expansion fees. So basically USL is nothing more than MLS 2.0 in its approach to building its financial holdings. Is anyone making money in professional soccer that isn’t just fueled by a ponzi scheme? Investors keep dropping cash to enter these leagues, but they aren’t getting any money back until the next investor buys in. It’s just another MLM. On that note, watch John Oliver talking about other MLMs, so good.

10. Holiday Shopping is the worst. I hope you’ve got your holiday shopping done already because at this point, the stores are shit shows. Last weekend, I went into a TJ Maxx (why is there two X’s on that name?) and the line was triple stacked and that was even with seven registers working! Shoot me in the face. I can’t stand Bezos and company, but I’d be ordering online if the only other option was shopping at a big box(x) retailer. As of today, you’ve got two weeks till Christmas. If you don’t celebrate, congratulations, good decision. And if you made a pact with your wife to not buy gifts this year, buy her something unless you’re 1,000% sure she’s all in. You don’t want to be the guy who didn’t get her a gift when everyone starts opening presents. Nuff Said.

If you want in on the next round of OMYAS gripes, email the old man himself at oldpeopleoftheworldunite@gmail.com